Earthflax, Tender, Mess

One: ... and they say that this winter is gonna be the worst one yet!

Two: We've got plenty of sweaters and blankets!

One: Wouldn't you like to walk around the house without having to put on extra layers?

Two: I don't see how installing earthflax in every wall is more cost effective!

One: It'll save a ton on heating bills. Sure, we won't really see savings until maybe three years from now, but we're gonna be living here for years anyway! Why not make our home the way we want it?

Two: Eww, I don't like how tender this stuff is. It looks like hairs.

One: Pretty silky, too, just like when you use the expensive type of shampoos.

Two: It's making a mess.

One: We can sweep it up later. Just hold that side in place.

Two: It's itching my fingers.

One: Okay, I'll hold it up. You read the instructions.

Two: Oh, I hate this!

One: Just wipe them off on your jeans. We gotta get this done!

Two: Fine. Is this the paper?

One: Yeah.

Two: Okay. "Step one..." Hold up, there's something on the front here.

One: What is it?

Two: "Caution: Has been known to cause cancer and pulmonary illnesses."

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Country, Flag, Banana

"Gosh, it's blazing hot! How do the locals stand it?"

"I imagine that they're used to it, Margie."

"I guess that's why everyone's walking around in tank tops and short shorts. Gosh, some of them are practically naked!"

"I wasn't paying attention."

"Can you imagine going around town like that every day, Harry?"

"I couldn't, Margie."

"Gosh, but I do love this country! What street is this? Mango Boulevard? What's coming up? Give me the guidebook, Harry."

"Here."

"Let's see, let's see... Mango Boulevard... here! And this is the Passion Fruit River with the Dry Grape Inn looking over it. Huh, 'dry grape'. Why don't they just call it the Raisin Inn?"

"I couldn't tell you."

"Gosh, it sounds like we need to get some coffee in you! I wonder if this Dry Grape place sells drinks?"

"They should or everyone would be drinking from this river."

"Ha ha ha! Good one, Harry! Let's cross the road here. I want to see this Dry Grape place anyway. I like the idea of drinking coffee while sitting at a table on the river. Oh, look at this!"

"What?"

"There's a marching procession coming down the road! They're waving a flag. It has a banana on it!"

"Wonder of wonders."

"Good notion, Harry. I'm wondering myself. I also wonder if the guidebook has anything on banana flags..."

"Uh, Margie, I think we should get out of the way."

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Duke, Track, Sword

Aha! Duke Blitherington, we meet again for the first time! It is I, the Magenta Baguette, come to stop you and your reign of...

I'm terribly sorry, madame! I was under the impression that this was the apartment of Duke Blitherington. Yes, that duke, the one causing the reign of terror, responsible for the disappearance of many fair young ladies and a handful of fairish older ladies, yes.

I do apologize again, madame. Here I was, raring for a fight, and I swing through your window, sword a-swashing with the intention of flaying that cur. I do hope this won't ruin your day.

It's rather funny, actually. Yours is the fourth apartment I've swung into. All the windows look alike! That's what makes this particular job so frustrating. Well, this is going to be a right inconvenience, climbing all the way back up to the roof, unknotting the rope and tying it in a new spot...

Well, I'd been told he had an apartment here. A rather lavish one, complete with fountains and marble floors and stolen art, but that's hardly the point. The point is that I need to capture him!

I'm sorry, madame? The topmost floor? Oh, yes! That is where the luxury apartments are! Ha! I suppose it would be a shorter way to swing down...

Wha—? Just go through the building and take the lift? Zounds, madame, that's brilliant! It would save the effort of climbing and untying and tying again! If you don't mind my saying so, you would do rather well in the lady saving business. Sure enough, you've got the arms for the swinging part. Not so sure about the carrying fainted ladies part, though.

Well. Enough wasting time. Better get back on track! Adieu, madame, and remember, should you ever feel the shadow of fear, rest assured that the Magenta Baguette is near!

Off I go!

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Oak, Penny, Midnight

Please listen carefully, and you'll have to listen carefully to me this time. You've ignored me many times before, but now you need to remember what I tell you. We can argue about what's real and what's not later. After everything I've done for you, you can do this one thing for me. It's near midnight and you have to act soon.

When you approach Brother Maple, don't let him sense your doubt. He appears as a tree, but he is a living, intelligent spirit. If he senses doubt in your heart, he will not answer you.

No, I don't know why he chose the tree. I said we weren't going to argue... you're just curious? Well, look, we can... we can discuss this at a later time, too.

I haven't attempted to make sense of spirits. They're just there and they do as they please. We should be grateful that they even listen to us mortals.

Once spirits find a place they like, they remain there until they're ready to move on. They'll defend their homes by any means. The stories of woodsmen trying to cut down Brother Maple are too numerous to count... and some are too gory for wild imaginations.

Why Brother Maple? He chose that name. Spirits can choose whatever name they wish. Please don't overthink this. If you were a bit more openminded, you would just accept—no. No, I said we weren't going to argue and here I am doing just that. We're wasting time.

Now, when you approach Brother Maple, you can't just walk up to him and start talking. Like other spirits in the forest, he requires payment before he will fulfill requests. The best payment is wooden coins.
Here, take these. I carved them from the dead wood of an oak a year ago, back when I could still walk.
No, the species of tree shouldn't matter. I simply didn't want to take from a living one, and the dead tree was closest to the house.

I'm sorry? Why does he like wooden coins? I couldn't tell you. Maybe it's the clacking they make when they hit each other. Maybe he likes the scent. But he's always responded when I gave him this kind of gift.
Right as you're in front of him, say or think of your question. Don't think of the answer you want to hear. Everyone makes this mistake the first time they ask him something. Some people learn to just wait for an answer, others get fed up and never visit him again.

Everyone wants to hear that their deepest desires will come true. But Brother Maple never indulges wishful questions. He tells you what you need to hear, and that's what I need.

There's no wrong way to give the penny. Place it by the roots, plug it in the knothole, roll it into the hole. Just don't chuck it at him. One person did that and a branch came down and scratched his face.

After you give payment, listen. Not to your thoughts. Ignore anything that comes from your own mind. Listen to the wind and how it moves through the leaves and branches. That is Brother Maple's voice.

Augh. No, no, it's just a cramp. Let me stretch my leg... Goodness. The cramps get worse every day.

Listen. I know you think my ways are nonsense, and we've bickered and disagreed... but thank you for doing this.

Now go. When you return, tell me what he has to say. Don't spare my feelings. Give me only the truth.

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Horse, Football, Gloom

I went into the forest today. I know you told me not to, but I heard the horse again, and I wanted to see it.

Everyone says the forest is full of gloom. Maybe it is, with all the shadows and darks trees. The leaves are gray, just as you said they are. But I thought they were very pretty. They're gray on top, and they sparkle, too. And they're white underneath. Maybe because that's the part that doesn't get a lot of sun.

I didn't hear the crying of lost souls. I think you were making that up. But I did hear a lot of sighing and singing. Maybe the spirits are having a nice time in the forest. I did. It was very peaceful.

But I did see the horse! I heard him stepping through the grass. And I felt his presence before I saw him. He was just as big as everyone said he was, a giant black Clydesdale with smoky feathering and glaring red eyes. And he was carrying a dead rider, just like all the stories say.

He snorted smoke at me when I came up to him. He didn't rear up or look angry. I think he was curious because of the football I was carrying. No, I don't know why I took it with me. Maybe in case I found a spirit to play with, but they were all too busy sighing and singing to take notice of me.

But the horse sure did! He sniffed me. His breath smelled like wet earth and dung. Is that was demon horses are supposed to smell like? But he didn't try to lure me onto its back and ride me into hell like all the stories say. Maybe because he still had that rider on his back. I thought the rider was alive at first, what with the wide eyes. I didn't think dead bodies could hold onto things so hard that they'd never drop off. But that's what this rider was doing, holding onto the reins like his life depended on it. I guess it didn't after all, considering...

But! I let the horse play with my football! It was funny seeing such a serious, scary-looking horse go around the forest, kicking that football against the trees. It was even funnier seeing the dead rider wobbling in the saddle. His joints creaked and I think something snapped, but he still held on.

I knew it was time for dinner, so I took my football back. I told the horse he could come by later and play some more if he wanted. So what are we having for dinner?

Hey! I hear heavy steps...

Look! There he is!

Let's go out and meet him!

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Mug, Village, Black

One: How was the Eye-Numbingly Black Village of Constaping?

Two: Interesting. For one, it's not entirely black.

One: Seems like it in the tourism photos.

Two: From a distance, sure. But when you get up close to the buildings, you'll see that they're super dark versions of blue, purple, even green. I think I might have seen traces of orange in one.

One: Eugh.

Two: That was the town hall building.

One: But why all black? Or very near black?

Two: Temperatures drop several degrees below freezing starting in late summer. At least at night. But still, that's a problem. So they thought to paint all their buildings super dark.

One: Ohh, so the heat is retained during the night.

Two: The alternative was to build a new village partly underground, but the paint was more cost effective.

One: But all those buildings being one color. Where's the personality? The different expressions of colors and murals and such?

Two: They make up for it with the vegetation. You should see the trees and bushes they have lining the streets. Even in the alleyways! I'd never seen such a tempting invitation to go down a dark alley.

One: Not even strangers holding out candy?

Two: Ha. Speaking of treats, I brought some back. Here.

One: Oh, taffy! Why does it come in a mug?

Two: It's melting taffy for tea and coffee. It's pretty tasty.

One: I'll make us a couple of cups. But now you've got me wondering.

Two: What's that?

One: How did you get around at night with all those dark buildings?

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Colorful, Wreck, Maze

It's so great to see you again! We've got to stop letting so much time pass between our get-togethers! But you know what? This time, it's my doing. I've been telling myself I'm too busy to even text when I know that wasn't the case. I'll make it up to you. Lunch is on me. Just so long as you only get water. I'm kidding!

So. Let me tell you what I did on my little staycation. You know that big, unused field just outside of town? The one that the city claims they're going to fix up and turn into luxury condominiums? They didn't, of course. But somebody else did something with it.

Jerri and I went to check it out. We saw it from the office window. It looked like a garden had sprouted up overnight, or a building. I swear it wasn't there the day before. We got to talking about it and Jerri thought it might make a nice outing. Take one day out of my staycation to be a tourist in my own town. I can use the other days to fix the roof.

So we got up early on Saturday and went to the field right after sunrise. From a distance, whatever had popped up looked like a... well, Jerri and I couldn't decide what it was at first. She thought it looked like one of those knock-off medieval times dives. I thought someone had planted a bunch of flowering hedges around an old dollar store.

It was a wonder seeing it up close. You really couldn't see the details from afar. The painters had done the exteriors in all kinds of colors and textures; pastels on concrete, gradients on matte, and even a color-changing paint on the doors leading inside. Strangely enough, they made it all look like foliage. Flowers of all kinds with leaves that I swear popped out. I wonder what kind of paint they used to make it look muted from a distance?

There was nobody around. No one taking tickets or cards, no one turning us away. We waited outside the doors, debating whether to go inside at all. What if this was a ploy to trap people and sell them on some black market? Jerri said she had a pocket knife on her. I said I was wearing my best running shoes. Not that either would have made a difference, but it gave us some courage.

There was some writing above the doors, done in a bold, stylish script that you'd see in a circus. It said: Life Is a Ride.

Around that time, the sun was rising higher and it was getting warmer. I think that's what drove us inside eventually.

But inside!

It was like a dark forest. Trunks everywhere, taller than us, made from some corrugated material that felt like it could scrape off our fingerprints. When we looked up, we could only see suggestions of piney canopies. The flashlights on our phones couldn't find the actual boughs.

The floor in some sections moved. Some parts wobbled like a wooden bridge. Some sections were rolled and dipped like a bed covered with pillows. There were bits of broken road along the path. Actual pieces, like asphalt with the white and yellow lines. It was like the forest had sprouted up along a highway and ruined it.

Then we came to the cars. It was like a wreck spread out through this forest. Some cars were wrapped around trees, others telescoped against them. Mounds of metal. All this display of tragedy tucked away in this artificial forest.

I don't know how long it took us to get through this maze. Maybe half an hour. But along the way, we'd see prescription glasses, stuffed toys, old roadmaps, and even a few lost licenses. Let me tell you, whatever excitement we felt earlier was gone by now.

We found the exit. A revolving door. Yes, a revolving door. If you're going through the trouble of installing a bunch of wrecked vehicles, I guess having a working revolving door in your building is a small feat.

Right above us was a sign, this one done in a scratchy handwriting: Life is a Ride. Don't Get Wrecked.

Talk about making a statement! I scheduled an appointment to have a state inspection. I don't care if it's two months early.

But I still have questions. So does Jerri. Who made this thing? Who funded it, painted it, got all those cars? Are they from actual wrecks? Oh, God, that'd be awful. All those things that passed through people's hands. All those stuffed animals that little children must have loved. All those licenses from people who might have been going on vacation or just running errands.

We've asked around. Some people have gone into the maze, but they're just as confused as us. Some people, once they hear about what's inside, don't even bother going through those doors. I can't blame them.

But I can't stop thinking about it until I found out who made this and why.

So. Do you want to help me find out who made this thing?

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Asylum, Gasp, Arm

The asylum had been abandoned for so long that nobody in town remembered its name. At the peak of its history, it was the busiest institution in the entire state. That's a lot of people that went through its doors. That's a lot of unhappy souls that left an impression within its walls.

Every ghost hunter who's gone through that place claims the usual happenings: groans, gasps, cries, sobs, and other sounds of human misery. So too are the creaking of floorboards and the squeaks of hinges giving out reported. Nothing remarkable.

It would all be so tiresome if it weren't for the arm.

If you ask anyone about the arm, you'll hear ten different accounts about the origin. One variety has a poor inmate having a limb amputated after a brutal altercation. Another claims that he mangled it on a rusty iron bar while trying to escape through a window. All anyone can agree on is that it's a left arm, all the digits are intact, and it follows lone visitors.

The arm may appear out from the floor, a wall, or even the ceiling. Some ghost hunters have claimed to see it sticking out of the stairs as they went up to the higher floors, popping up a few steps ahead of them with every blink of the eye.

Any attempts to touch the arm will get you scratched or slapped. Some ghost hunters walk out with their own left arms red and raw just below the elbow joint, right where the arm was said to be separated from its owner.

Just as the name of the asylum is lost to history, so are the names of the workers and patients. Detective work has brought up so little solid information that locals rely on their imaginations to fill in the canyon-wide gaps.

I'm only a researcher in this particular matter, but I've heard you have stories. So, friend, what have you heard of the disembodied arm of the asylum?

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Drift, Climate, Far

How are you liking the Land Sailer? Built it myself, all from scrap. You wouldn't know it just by looking at it. She's a beauty, though. Makes traveling across the land more fun.

Sure, climate change made a mess of things, but you have to admit that travel got a lot easier. With all the vegetation dead and gone, we can use the winds to just drift around the barren landscape. No trees to crash into, no lakes to slip in--

Don't do that! I know it's tempting to touch the sand as we're sailing over it, but you're likely to scrape the first two layers of skin off your fingers--if not lose them altogether.

We're not too far from the New Hope Farms. This is unlike any other hydroponic farm you've seen. The towers are just like trees. It's probably what a forest used to look like.

Hang on, we're gonna sail over this hill here.

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Grave, Queue, Galaxy

I'm starting to have second thoughts about this trip. When you said it was going to be a trip that's out of this world, I didn't think you were being literal.

Oh, no, I've been enjoying myself... for the most part. The endless canvas of space with its countless stars is beautiful, the freeze-dried cuisine has been surprisingly delectable, and the near disaster with the shuttle's air supply did make me appreciate life more than ever...

But why exactly did you want to see the grave of the first person buried in space?

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Cruising the galaxy has been an eye-opening experience, and I'm sure I'll never have anything like it again--I'll make sure of that--but once you get into motion, you kind of plan to stay in motion? If I knew scientific theories better, I'd make a more clever joke, but you get the gist.

How long is this queue? I can't even see the end of it. I see the pillar of rock where the grave is. That is a long, long way... at least they gave us these floating chairs. Silver linings and all that.

Wait. Are people... falling off the pillar?

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Map, Hedge, Spy

Watch carefully, I'll only show you this once.

This maze is the largest in the world. Stories of people lost for days abound; merrymakers forced to eat the leather of their shoes, men of science reduced to blabbering messes, decorated war generals cowering in dead ends. All exaggerations. Yes, some unfortunate souls have gotten lost, but never more than a few hours. And by the end of their ordeal, they were more frustrated than terrified.

But the stories you've heard of secret meetings taking place here, those are true. And I have a method of finding them.

First, see how uniformly the hedges have been trimmed? Almost flat. You can run your palms across them and not feel a twig or a leaf poking out. That's because a flattish surface makes reading easier.

Bring your foot over here. Touch the roots of the hedge with your shoe. Just the edge of the sole is enough. Now look up at the hedge.

You see? There's a hidden map! It comes up only when the roots are touched. No, it's not so magical that you'll find people on the map, but you won't get lost. Every hedge is like this, so you'll always have a map no matter where you are in the maze.

Now come along. Quietly, please. We've got an archduke and a duchess to spy on.

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Pie, Chest, Model

Saleslady: No modern home will be complete without the Cutie Pie 3000!

Customer: And what is that exactly?

Saleslady: Only the most modern pie chest with all the beauty of modern AI! It's like having a best friend whose only purpose is to keep your pies safe.

Customer: I'm not sure if--

Saleslady: I'll show you the Cutie Pie 3000 Country Living Gal model. Right over here, ma'am. You're going to love her!

Customer: I was hoping for a vintage look for the kitchen, really. I think this "internet of things" or whatever it's called will throw off the scheme--oh, my!

Saleslady: Isn't she darling?

Customer: She's... pretty wide.

Saleslady: All the better to store all those pies you'll be inspired to bake!

Customer: Is that a head?!

Saleslady: Of course! All your best friends have heads! And the Country Living Gal is no different!

Customer: Is it supposed to be... distorted?

Saleslady: It gives the Gal character.

Customer: A pretty unsavory character, if you ask me.

Saleslady: But looks aren't everything, as I'm sure you'll agree, ma'am.

Customer: Are its eyes supposed to do that?

Saleslady: It's looking out for threats that could endanger the pies it keeps safe in its chest.

Customer: What happens if I get in the path of those beams?

Saleslady: Not a whole lot if you get out of the way quickly. But the rash does disappear within an hour. Now watch, the Gal sees the owner--which, for this demonstration, is me--and awaits instructions.

Customer: I'd really like a standalone freezer if that's--

Saleslady: Country Living Gal, if you'd give us a pie, please! Now watch, ma'am, the Gal is going to open the chest and bring out a pie for us to enjoy. Now, it's a fake one, because we're not going to keep real food out on the sales floor, but for the sake of demonstration, let's pretend--

Customer: Duck!

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Garlic, Hen, Pier

Man 1: Now watch the hen.

Man 2: What is she doing? How is she sticking to the wood like that?

Man 1: (laughing) Keep watching.

Man 2: She's under the pier! No, I've got to see...

Man 1: Careful you don't fall in.

Man 2: I'm just hanging my head over.

Man 1: You sure that doesn't mess with your vertigo?

Man 2: It's just a short while, I'm not going to hang forev--oh, God, she is walking upside down! Are her claws digging into the wood? They have to be! How is she hanging on otherwise?

Man 1: I don't care how she does it, just so long as she gets what she's been trained to find.

Man 2: She seems to have found it. She's stabbing at it with her beak. And here she comes, bobbing that little chicken head of hers, carrying that bulb like she's just played a game of upside-down fetch. And you swear you didn't raise her among dogs?

Man 1: Nope. She's a straight-up seaside chicken. She's just got a gift for hanging upside down.

Man 2: And finding pier garlic. 

Man 1: That too. C'mere, girl. You did good. Look at this one! Oh, it's going to be heavenly when I roast it!

Man 2: Well. A chicken that fetches aquatic vegetables. I've seen it, now I believe it.

Man 1: It's a marvel, isn't it?

Man 2: It sure is. But tell me...

Man 1: Yeah?

Man 2: How did that hen know where to find pier garlic?

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